Zami: A New Spelling of My Name

Ginger introduces Audre to Muriel, saying that they are similar, by which she means they are both lesbians who write poetry. Ginger had told Audre about Muriel before Audre went to Mexico, saying that Muriel had a nervous breakdown while living in New York. Muriel then undergoes shock treatments, after which she listens to Ginger’s tales of Audre. Ginger calls Audre at Rhea’s house, where she lives after moving back from Mexico, and puts Muriel on the phone. They go on a date at a bar, and Audre thinks Muriel looks odd but realizes she is dressed as a gambler, just like how she and Gennie would dress up when they were teenagers. Muriel is surprised that Audre notices and tells Audre about herself, including about how her friend, Naomi, died, which led to her own sickness. Audre tells her about Gennie. They cry and exchange poems, promising to write to one another. Muriel gives Audre her gloves so that her hands don’t get cold. Audre is happy when she goes home, which Rhea notices.

Two weeks later, Muriel and Audre go out to dinner and drinks. They don’t dance, like everyone else, but rather talk. Audre comes to enjoy hanging out at gay bars because Muriel does, even though they both feel out of place: “What we both needed was the atmosphere of other lesbians, and in 1954, gay bars were the only meeting places we knew” (187). Muriel goes back to her job at Stamford, and Audre continues having a hard time finding work.

Audre eventually gets a job by lying about her abilities as a bookkeeper, only to find that position is an assistant to the head of the accounting department, Mrs. Goodrich, “a tartar, a woman who had fought long and hard to make herself a place in a world hostile to her as a woman accountant” (188). She is rude and condescending to Audre, but Audre is stubborn and refuses to retreat, answering each one of Mrs. Goodrich’s often racist accusations. Audre begins to long for the sun after being inside most days. Sometimes, Audre types snatches of poetry into Mrs. Goodrich’s letters, for which Mrs. Goodrich berates her. Audre and Muriel write letters to each other, and Audre finds similarities between herself and Muriel and appreciates the new viewpoints Muriel offers. She looks forward to their correspondence. Audre tells Muriel, in her own way, that she loves her, and Muriel is convinced that Audre might also be mad.

Twenty years later, Audre sees Muriel at a poetry reading and explains this book about her loves to her. Muriel asks her only to tell the truth.

On New Year’s Eve of 1954, Rhea goes out with a new love and Audre invites friends, including Muriel, over. Muriel says she has something to ask Audre but won’t tell her over the phone. Muriel asks what she meant by her latest card; Audre introduces Muriel to her friends and they eat Chinese food and drink wine. Everyone kisses at midnight and tells stories of raucous New Year’s Eves past. Everyone sleeps over, but Rhea has a fight with her boyfriend, who has decided to marry anineteen-year-oldand comes home. Rhea says she wants to go to bed, but Audre admits that there are people in her bed but that she’ll wake them up. Everyone crawls into bed with Audre and Muriel, and Audre is too awake to fall asleep. Audre reads and listens to the radio until everyone wakes up. Audre makes coffee and gives everyone a toothbrush, pleased to have Muriel see her being such an adult. Audre makes breakfast with the leftover Chinese food, and everyone leaves besides Muriel. When Rhea wakes up, Audre introduces them, and they debate about Marxism. Rhea leaves to see her parents. Audre and Muriel spend the rest of the day in bed, talking and making love: “The camaraderie and warmth between us breached places within me that had been closed off and permanently sealed, I thought, when Genevieve died” (194). They talk about Gennie and Naomi, and Audre no longer feels lonely. Audre calls her job the next day to say she is sick, in order to stay in bed with Muriel, and Mrs. Goodrich fires her.

Even though Rhea had witnessed the dramatic end of Audre’s relationship with Bea, “on the surface, Rhea did not know I was gay, and I did not tell her. Homosexuality was outside the party line at that time; therefore, Rhea defined it as ‘bad,’ and her approval was important to me” (195).

Although Rhea is attractive and Audre loves her, Audre always has been good at deciding whether a woman was straight or lesbian and is unequivocally not attracted to straight women. When Muriel comes to the city, they stay at the YWCA, or, if they lack money, at Rhea’s apartment, despite Rhea’s confusion and disagreement. After Rhea breaks up with her boyfriend, she makes plans to move to Chicago, and Audre is excited about the prospect of living with Muriel. One night, Rhea comes home to find Audre and Muriel pretending to be asleep in bed together. Rhea starts crying: “Our obvious happiness in our ‘incorrect’ love was so great beside her obvious unhappiness in her ‘correct’ ones, that the only response to such cosmic unfairness was tears” (197-198). Audre and Rhea never speak about her crying and Rhea moves to Chicago shortly thereafter, which Audre eventually learns is a result of the progressive, white social circles in which Rhea moves denouncing Rhea for living with a black homosexual. Smitten with Muriel, Audre is oblivious to what is perceived as her political transgression.

Audre dreams of white-skinned demons chasing her, trying to kill her. She begins praying and the demons disappear. She goes into her parents’ room and drops a watermelon on the floor. She takes Rhea from her parents’ bed to save her, and then realizes she is no longer welcome in her childhood home; even the appliances work against her. Audre realizes this is no longer her home and now is free to go, taking Rhea with her.

Audre gets a job in a library, and she and Muriel discuss Muriel coming to live with her. Muriel warns Audre about her schizophrenia, but Audre doesn’t really understand what it is and is too excited to heed her warning. When they smoke pot, Muriel talks about her electric shock treatments killing her memories. Although she admits they lifted the veil of her depression slightly, she says they stole her light. Muriel says that she won’t be able to look for a new job when she comes to New York because the possibility of rejection will ruin her: “I felt confident that eventually, out of our love, Muriel would find the strength to face that hurdle, too. So I did not heed her words as a warning, the only kind she could give me” (200). After Rhea leaves, Muriel slowly moves into Audre’s apartment. Audre gets a plaque with both of their names on it for the door, making their living together official, as a surprise for Muriel—one that Audre believes means the relationship is forever.

They explore New York together. Muriel talks about wanting to live on a farm. Audre researches but finds the only available places in the desolation of Alaska. Sometimes Muriel plays housewife or poet, and sometimes she does not. On the weekends, they look for discarded furniture to turn their apartment into a home. They meet each other’s friends: “We were poor and always hungry, and always being invited to dinner” (203). They create a group of lesbian friends and acquaintances, of which Flee is the only other black woman. Their group pretends that, as lesbians, they have all experienced the same prejudice as black people, although Audre knows this to be false and that the difference between them is "real and important, even if nobody else seemed to feel that way” (204). Audre feels this separation between herself and Muriel, but she is afraid to examine it too closely and often pretends to agree with Muriel. Eventually, Audre believes a time will come when she uses this difference as a weapon.

Their friend group tries not to examine their differences because they believe it will inhibit their ability to support one another, support they feel is necessary to their survival: “We were not of that other world and we wanted to believe that, by definition, we were therefore free of that other world’s problems of capitalism, greed, racism, classism, etc.” (205). Audre and Muriel make friends with two other black girls, Pet and Vida, who prefer to be called dykes, which Audre thinks makes them sound like they are in charge of their lives. They are older than Audre and Muriel, and often help them out with money. One night, Muriel distracts a vendor while Audre steals a honeydew and then sprints away. Audre feels a hand on her arm, thinking it’s a cop, but it turns out to be Vida, who saw Audre booking it down the street and ran after her. Muriel catches up, and they are both embarrassed. Vida warns them about the childishness of their behavior and tells them to get in the car.

Muriel and Audre talk a lot and they are deeply in love. Audre cries thinking how lucky she is to have found Muriel. People outside of their friend group think they’re weird. They adopt two black kittens. Muriel is particular about her clothes and will not go out if her outfit is wrong. Audre had previously adapted her outfits to various climates: Stamford was dungarees and work shirts, with corduroy skirts for special occasions; Mexico was peasant skirts and blouses; working at the library was straight clothes. With the addition of Muriel’s clothes, they created “quite a tidy store of what the young gay-girl could be seen in” (208). Audre found herself wearing blue and black jeans or riding pants with striped cotton shirts. They reinvent the world: “Each one of us had been starved for love for so long that we wanted to believe that love, once found, was all-powerful” (209).