Speak

“All that crap you hear on TV about communication and expressing feelings is a lie. Nobody really wants to hear what you have to say.”

Melinda feels isolated from the world. She is unable to speak, but beyond that, she does not feel as if anyone even cares about what she has to say. After she called the police at the party, none of her friends asked her why; instead, they all abandoned her without question. Melinda’s parents know something is wrong, because she does not speak, her grades are falling, and she seems more and more withdrawn. Despite this knowledge, they never seem to ask her what is bothering her or attempt to support her.

“Art follows lunch, like dreams follow nightmare.”

Melinda’s only peace and freedom from her dark memories are in art class. In her other classes, she is either bored or uncomfortable. With her peers, she is bullied or ignored altogether. At home, Melinda is yelled at or ignored. In art class, Melinda feels free to be herself. She is not judged, and she is not required to speak. She is instead allowed to focus on expressing herself through art and discovering how to turn trees into a symbol of her own experiences. The art teacher, Mr. Freeman, is the only person who treats Melinda with respect.

“This is where you can find your soul, if you dare. Where you can touch that part of you that you’ve never dared look at before.”

Mr. Freeman announces the importance of art on the first day of class. He explains that art is about accessing one’s soul and the deeper parts of oneself that are rarely examined. Mr. Freeman wants his students to discover who they are and, beyond that, to speak to the world through their art. Melinda takes this advice to heart and spends the year doing just that. This quote illustrates the theme, The Importance of Art as a Form of Self-Expression and Healing.

“I used to be like Heather. Have I changed that much in two months?”

Melinda meets Heather, a new girl in school who has dreams of being popular and contributing to the school. She knows what she wants to do with her life and aspires to be well-liked. She latches onto Melinda when nobody else will be her friend. Melinda observes Heather’s motivation, lust for life, and standard teenage interests, realizing that she lost that part of herself last summer. This quote illustrates the theme, How Personality and Perception Change as a Result of Trauma.

“I have worked so hard to forget every second of that stupid party, and here I am in the middle of a hostile crowd that hates me for what I had to do. I can’t tell them what really happened. I can’t even look at that part myself.”

Melinda goes through a process of coping with and confronting her trauma. It starts with many attempts to forget, run from, and hide from the experience. At school, her peers gossip about her, bully her, and ignore her because she ruined the summer party by calling the police. Melinda finds it impossible to tell anyone the truth about what happened, as she is not even able to admit it to herself. This quote illustrates the theme, Finding One’s Voice After It Has Been Lost.

“I’ve been painting watercolors of trees that have been hit by lightning. I try to paint them so they are nearly dead, but not totally.”

One of the recurring symbols throughout the novel is Melinda’s tree art. She uses these creations to express what she cannot say with words. One such creation involves watercolor depictions of trees struck by lightning, symbolizing the wreckage caused by the shock of being raped. Melinda feels as if she is nearly dead, but not quite. This quote also helps illustrate the theme, The Importance of Art as a Form of Self-Expression and Healing.

“There is a beast in my gut, I can hear it scraping away at the inside of my ribs. Even if I dump the memory, it will stay with me, staining me. My closet is a good thing, a quiet place that helps me hold these thoughts inside my head where no one can hear them.”

Melinda finds an abandoned closet at the school and turns it into her secret hiding place. Much like the closet, she feels as if she has been abandoned and forgotten. In this quote, she references the secret she holds about her traumatic experience, and how it eats away at the inside of her. She cannot escape it, no matter how she tries. When she is in the closet, she feels like she can be as strange or as hurt as she wants to, without anyone judging or harassing her.

“I’m just like them—an ordinary drone dressed in secrets and lies. I can’t believe we have to keep playacting until I graduate. It’s a shame we can’t just admit that we have failed family living, sell the house, split up the money, and get on with our lives.”

Melinda’s home life is cold and distant, and she does not speak to her parents at all. She cannot tell them what happened to her, and her lack of communication causes her parents to grow frustrated and aggressive toward her. Melinda feels as if she and her parents are putting on an act and thinks that she would be better off without them.

“Maybe I’ll be an artist if I grow up.”

One of the only things that keeps Melinda going is art class. She feels free to express herself in her chosen form, and she does not need to worry about being required to speak there. Art gives Melinda a chance to access and understand her emotions and the trauma she has been through and to speak about her experiences without the need for words. In this quote, Melinda acknowledges the possibility of becoming an artist one day. She uses the word “if,” indicating that she is still unsure about having a future at all. This quote also illustrates the theme, The Importance of Art as a Form of Self-Expression and Healing.

“I can smell him over the noise of the metal shop and I drop my poster and the masking tape and I want to throw up and I can smell him and I run and he remembers and he knows. He whispers in my ear.”

Melinda encounters Andy, the person who raped her, for the first time since it happened. He finds her putting up posters in the school hallway, comes up behind her, and whispers “Freshmeat” in her ear. In this moment, Melinda realizes that Andy remembers what he did to her. She cannot bear the smell of him, as smell is a powerful reminder of the experience. She runs away, unable to confront him or deal with his presence at all.

“It doesn’t hurt. Nothing hurts except the small smiles and blushes that flash across the room like tiny sparrows.”

While in biology class with David, Melinda starts thinking about the Valentine card on her locker and wondering if it is from him. She works herself into a panic, worrying about if he likes her, or if she even wants him to. She is overwhelmed with insecurity and ends up biting her nail right off. It bleeds, and David hands her a tissue without saying anything. Melinda looks around the room, feeling pained not by her injury but by the sight of her peers all enjoying their romantic day together.

“A half-forgotten holiday has unveiled every knife that sticks inside me, every cut. No Rachel, no Heather, not even a silly, geeky boy would like the inside girl I think I am.”

On Valentine’s Day, Melinda suffers through several painful reminders of how alone she is. She only receives one card, and it is from Heather, thanking her for being understanding when Heather abandoned her. Melinda remarks on the ridiculousness of her situation, noting how a holiday that hardly matters has caused her more grief than it is worth. She sees herself as being unworthy of love or even being liked.

“Do they choose to be so dense? Were they born that way? I have no friends. I have nothing. I say nothing. I am nothing.”

When Melinda’s parents and principal start to become concerned about her grades and skipping school, they meet with Melinda and a guidance counselor to attempt to find a solution. Melinda sits in silence, listening to the adults discuss what they believe is her problem and what to do about it. The guidance counselor mentions how Melinda has several friends (referring to Heather and the Marthas), and Melinda cannot believe how oblivious the people supposedly trying to help her are. They do not seem to understand her situation at all.

“I am BunnyRabbit again, hiding in the open. I sit like I haven an egg in my mouth. One move, one word, and the egg will shatter and blow up the world.”

Melinda describes herself as a rabbit when Andy approaches her at school. Each time, she freezes, as if she is a rabbit attempting to hide from its prey. Every time, her attempts at remaining hidden fail, and Andy harasses her once again. Melinda cannot bring herself to speak out in these moments until the very end of the novel, when Andy attacks her in the closet. This quote helps illustrate the themes, Finding One’s Voice After It Has Been Lost, and How Personality and Perception Change as a Result of Trauma.

“When people don’t express themselves, they die one piece at a time.”

Mr. Freeman sees Melinda out in the cold and gives her a ride to the clothing store. All year, he has sensed something wrong in her, noticing that she does not speak and seeing the pain in her art pieces. On the drive, Mr. Freeman explains the importance of expressing what is inside oneself. He believes that art is the purest form of expression and hopes Melinda can find her voice through the trees she draws and sculpts. This quote illustrates the theme, The Importance of Art as a Form of Self-Expression and Healing.

“I just need to hang on long enough for my new skin to graft. Mr. Freeman thinks I need to find my feelings. How can I not find them? They are chewing me alive like an infestation of thoughts, shame, mistakes. I squeeze my eyes shut. Jeans that fit, that’s a good start. I have to stay away from the closet, go to all my classes. I will make myself normal. Forget the rest of it.”

Melinda compares her desire to grow into a new person to a woman who has to have a new skin sewn on after being completely burned. She has been a shadow of herself for months and wants desperately to return to the person she was before she was traumatized. Her experience eats her alive, and she decides to stop running from it. She avoids hiding in her closet, goes to class, and strives to start speaking and socializing again. This quote helps illustrate How Personality and Perception Change as a Result of Trauma.

“Nothing quieter than snow. The sky screams to deliver it, a hundred banshees flying on the edge of the blizzard. But once the snow covers the ground it hushes as still as my heart.”

Weather is a recurring symbol throughout the novel, and when the snow comes in winter, Melinda feels frozen in place. She wonders if her life will ever get better, or if she will ever be able to overcome her past. Melinda describes her belief about snow as a symbol, viewing it as a representation of silence and quiet. Melinda’s own silence burdens her until the snow melts and she starts to warm up to the world again. This quote illustrates the theme, Finding One’s Voice After it Has Been Lost.

“I saw my face in the window over the kitchen sink and no words came out of my mouth. Who was that girl? I had never seen her before. Tears oozed down my face, over my bruised lips, pooling on the handset.”

At the end of the third part, Melinda finally describes the events that transcribed the night she was raped. After it happens, she goes into the house to call the police. As she is holding the handset, she sees herself in the mirror. She is bruised, battered, and emotionally traumatized. She does not recognize herself at all. After this, she avoids mirrors for months, unable to witness the shadow that she becomes. This quote illustrates How Personality and Perception Change as a Result of Trauma.

“There has been some progress in the whole tree project, I guess. Like Picasso, I’ve gone through different phases. There’s the Confused Period, where I wasn’t sure what the assignment really was. The Spaz period, where I couldn’t draw a tree to save my life. The Dead Period, when all my trees looked like they had been through a forest fire or a blight. I’m getting better.”

Melinda describes her progress through the year with her art project and how it coincided with her healing process. She looks back on how she has changed since the year started and how her approach to art has evolved. She began not knowing how to approach the project, then started to express her feelings through her creations over time as she created watercolors and a sculpture out of bones. This quote illustrates the theme, The Importance of Art as a Form of Self-Expression and Healing.

“Breathe life into it. Make it bend—trees are flexible, so they don’t snap. Scar it, give it a twisted branch—perfect trees don’t exist. Nothing is perfect. Flaws are interesting. Be the tree.”

Throughout the year, Mr. Freeman encourages Melinda to express herself through her art. He interprets trees as being alive, adaptable, and unafraid to show their scars. Mr. Freeman tries to teach Melinda to appreciate the imperfections in the world and herself and to stop trying to create a perfect tree. Ivy also encourages Melinda to let go and just draw, and eventually, Melinda can create something she is happy with: a sketch of a tree with a dead limb ready to fall off and ample new growth springing upward. This quote showcases the theme, The Importance of Art as a Form of Self-Expression and Healing.

“I just want to sleep. A coma would be nice. Or amnesia. Anything, just to get rid of this, these thoughts, whispers in my mind. Did he rape my head, too?”

Melinda takes a day off school and stays home, pretending to be sick. She watches talk shows and imagines the hosts speaking directly to her, telling her that she was raped and that it was not her fault. Melinda realizes that she cannot escape what happened to her or the memory of it. It constantly floods her mind, and she has no choice but to confront it directly.

“The time has come to wrestle some demons. Too much sun after a Syracuse winter does strange things to your head, makes you feel strong, even if you aren’t.”

After a long winter of feeling frozen in place and unable to speak, Melinda begins to grow past her trauma, warm up to the world, and express her truth. She decides to dismantle her closet, try to heal her relationship with her parents, and tackle her art project once and for all. Melinda also reveals the truth about being raped to Rachel, writes a warning on the bathroom stall to help keep other girls safe, and decides to tell Mr. Freeman everything.

“I crouch by the trunk, my fingers stroking the bark, seeking a Braille code, a clue, a message on how to come back to life after my long undersnow dormancy. I have survived. I am here. Confused, screwed up, but here. So, how can I find my way? Is there a chainsaw of the soul, an ax I can take to my memories or fears? I dig my fingers into the dirt and squeeze. A small, clean part of me waits to warm and burst through the surface. Some quiet Melindagirl I haven’t seen in months. That is the seed I will care for.”

Melinda goes for a bike ride and sits on the fresh, spring earth. She seeks a sign that will tell her where to turn next and how to heal from her past. Melinda remembers being told by Mr. Freeman to “be the tree” and imagines herself sprouting up from the dirt and into a new version of herself. She resolves to become stronger and braver and find the person inside that was lost months before.