How to Say Babylon: A Memoir

Howard continues to have bouts of extreme rage in between periods of peace. He frequently tells his children about the abuse he experienced as a child and the abandonment and loneliness he felt: He was physically abused by a maternal aunt and felt like his mother never protected him, which spurs his hatred of her and also his strong desire to protect and control his family at any cost.

As the family struggles financially, Howard begins listening to the nightly news, which makes him furious at Babylon. There is little food, so Esther often gives the children most of the food from her plate. The children dread being around Howard when he’s angry but crave his attention when he is in a good mood. The children aren’t allowed to have any non-Rasta friends, so they live in social isolation for the most part. Their new yard is much smaller than the one in Bogue Heights, but they still find comfort in exploring it together.

One day, they eat all of the green cherries off of a cherry tree in the yard, delighted by the taste. Howard comes home early that night, already in a bad mood. When he sees the barren tree in the front yard, he yells at the children that they could get sick, and the family doesn’t have money for a doctor visit. As Howard yells, he beats the children with his new red leather belt until they eventually escape to their room. While Howard has yelled at them before, this violence is new. He never wears the belt again, instead hanging it next to his portrait of Haile Selassie.

Following Howard’s violent attack, the children, particularly Ife and Safiya, wake up hardened and numb to their surroundings. Safiya realizes that this is a part of being a woman in her family and in society, and she considers all of the derogatory names she has been—and will be—called going forward.

At school, Safiya continues to feel left out, particularly because she has not yet started menstruating and the other girls in her grade have. She forms a tenuous relationship with Cassandra, the other scholarship student at school. Cassandra is not as smart as Safiya and has a carefree attitude. One day when Cassandra and Safiya are talking, Cassandra asks Safiya if her father ever hits her. Safiya quickly lies and says no; she feels ashamed when Cassandra confides that her father hits her frequently.

The Sinclairs move to another new house. One of their neighbors frequently physically abuses his girlfriend. Both Safiya and Esther disapprove of his actions, but Howard goes out of his way to befriend the neighbor. When Safiya confronts Howard, telling him that the neighbor is a bad man and that he should encourage him to stop abusing his girlfriend, Howard is outraged at her outspokenness and reminds her that what goes on in the neighbor’s house is none of their business—and, similarly, what goes on in the Sinclair household is no one else’s business.

Soon, Cassandra stops coming to school. Safiya frequently comments on her absence to her classmates, and while they seem to know something about Cassandra’s whereabouts, they do not tell Safiya anything. Finally, months later, other girls tell Safiya that Cassandra won’t be returning to school because she is pregnant. Safiya is shocked and ashamed. When Safiya tells Esther, Esther begs Safiya not to tell Howard, since she is not sure what he will do if he finds out a classmate of Safiya’s is pregnant.

Several weeks later, Safiya stays awake thinking about Cassandra’s pregnancy and the myth of Eurydice (the beloved of Orpheus whom he couldn’t rescue from Hades), to whom she feels a kinship. She hears her father come home and turn on the television. She sneaks out of bed and finds that he’s watching naked women dancing on TV. She is shocked: Her father has been lying to her about purity. As Howard watches the show, he grows angrier and angrier, remarking that his daughters will never act in this way. However, he does not turn off the TV.

Reina, a female friend of Howard’s from Japan, visits the Sinclairs. Many of Howard’s friends visit, and most of them look similar to Esther in some way. Reina spoils the Sinclair children, bringing them treats from Japan and taking them to a private, members-only beach. Reina and Howard spend a lot of time together during her visit as Howard is trying to convince her to move to Jamaica. She rents a hotel room for the week, and he spends most nights there with her. However, when she leaves, the family never sees her again.

Esther gain more independence by teaching at St. James’s sister school, which allows Lij and Ife to also attend the school. Esther also teaches SPIC workshops there, which gives her more income than she’s ever had.

Soon, Safiya begins menstruating. When she tells Howard, he looks affronted by this information and instructs her to never talk to him about it again. As a result, Safiya understands that something has shifted in their relationship.

Howard brings another woman named Primrose home. Taking Safiya and Lij on a hike to talk to them privately, he asks if they would like Primrose to be their second mother. Both children quickly say no. Howard is visibly upset, but doesn’t push the matter. However, a week later, Howard and Esther get into a huge fight about Primrose, which leads to Esther leaving the house. Howard runs to tell the children that their mother is abandoning them, begging them to get her to come back. The children run to the road and plead with Esther. Esther returns to the house visibly defeated.

After Esther’s attempt to leave, she becomes more docile and submissive, while Howard grows angrier. The children are physically abused frequently, though Shari is spared the violence because she is still breastfeeding. When Howard is at work, the children and Esther have moments of joy, dancing and listening to Western music like the Cranberries.

Between her father and her feelings of inadequacy compared to her female classmates at school, Safiya dreads waking up every morning. She becomes increasingly aware of her family’s scarce resources, especially when she visits her wealthy classmates’ homes.

The school decides to take a class trip to Havana, Cuba. Esther and Sweet P develop a plan that will allow Safiya to wear jeans, something Howard typically would forbids: They will tell Howard that Safiya should wear pants on the plane because, if the plane crashes while she is wearing a skirt, her underwear would be exposed in the wreckage, which would ruin her purity. Howard believes them and agrees to let her wear pants. Esther helps Safiya buy a pair of jeans and notes how beautiful she looks. For the first time in a long time, Safiya feels beautiful. When she wears jean shorts on the trip, she feels normal, until one of the other girls comments on how long her shorts are.

The girls at school make Esther feel inadequate as well. One time, in her St. James SPIC class, she holds up a picture of what she calls the US White House, but her students snicker and correct her, telling her it’s a picture of the Capitol Building. Esther plays it off but is embarrassed by her gaffe. Safiya holds onto her embarrassment, letting it fester.

One day, when Esther buys Safiya a pair of shoes that Safiya says she doesn’t like, Howard becomes angry and beats her with the red belt. As Safiya tries to escape, Esther blocks her path, pushing her back toward Howard. Safiya realizes that something has shifted in their relationship; her mother will now allow Howard to hurt Safiya. The beating is brutal and leaves Safiya bruised and swollen. After showering, she calls her mother in to force her to see what Howard did to her. Her mother tells her that she’s being funny—something that Sinclair still doesn’t understand even as she writes her memoir.

Following Howard’s brutal beating, Safiya becomes withdrawn and often disobedient. Her teacher Mrs. Newnham grows concerned about Safiya’s behavior. Mrs. Newnham asks about Safiya’s yearbook photo, on which someone has written, “I HAVE NO BOOBS! I LOOK LIKE A BOY!” (184). She assumes Safiya drew this herself, but Safiya has never seen this before. She finally tells Mrs. Newnham that she hates herself.

Knowing that Safiya likes to write, Mrs. Newnham encourages her to write down how she’s feeling. Safiya creates a list of everything she hates. The two then discuss what Safiya wants to do when she graduates, which Safiya hasn’t discussed with her parents. Safiya wants to go to school in Miami, Florida, because that’s what she’s heard other girls say. Mrs. Newnham agrees that it’s a good idea.

Esther and Safiya have not been able to repair their relationship since Howard’s brutal beating. As a result of this chasm between mother and daughter, Esther instructs Howard that she will no longer tolerate any physical abuse of the children. He puts the red belt away and instead becomes more verbally abusive.

Esther gets a new job at a resort teaching SPIC; with the money she makes there, she pays for Safiya to have her broken tooth fixed. Safiya is ecstatic and cannot stop smiling after the procedure. She is excited to show off her new smile at school, but no one notices, leaving Safiya deflated. Wanting to hurt someone else the way she hurts, Safiya asks a classmate how to slit her wrists, knowing that this classmate’s cousin has tried to die by suicide. The classmate doesn’t react and instead tells Safiya how to do it.

As graduation gets closer, Safiya asks Esther about going to college in the United States. Esther admits that they don’t have the money to send her yet, but that she is sure something will work out.

One night after writing by candlelight, Safiya goes to bed. She wakes to screaming and flames. Somehow the candle lit the curtains on fire. Ife saw and alerted their parents, saving Safiya’s life. Once the fire is under control, Howard berates Safiya for almost killing all of them, while Safiya thinks that she was only trying to kill herself. However, she insists that the candle was blown out. Four months later, she graduates from high school with no prospects.

Safiya struggles during the first year after graduation, feeling depressed that she’s gone from being so extraordinary and successful to having no plans. She is left alone in the house for most of the day, while everyone else goes to work and school. Realizing she needs structure, she continues her education independently, reading an online encyclopedia on the family’s new second-hand computer. While reading, she discovers the poet Sylvia Plath and listens to a clip of the first few lines of Plath’s 1965 poem “Daddy.” She becomes obsessed with the poet’s work.

One day, Safiya goes to visit an old high school classmate, Rashmi. Rashmi now attends a boarding school in Miami. Safiya looks through the books Rashmi is reading in school; one of them is The Collected Poems of Sylvia Plath. Rashmi makes fun of the collection—her teacher made them listen to Plath reading her poem “Daddy,” which sounded funny because of Plath’s accent. Safiya is upset that Rashmi could make fun of something so important to her and that Rashmi doesn’t realize how lucky she is to be studying the poet. After this visit, Safiya stops returning Rashmi’s calls.

The family moves again. Howard and Safiya are often alone together, and he belittles her for doing nothing. Safiya doesn’t know how to explain to him that she works at night writing and that this gives her life purpose. When she does tell him she’s been writing poems, he laughs and tells her she is worthless.

Feeling trapped, she goes outside that night and experiences suicidal thoughts. As she looks at the world around her, she begins writing a poem in her head and quickly jots it down in a notebook. A week later, Safiya asks Esther to send a packet of her poems to the Jamaica Observer. She stops having suicidal thoughts. A few weeks later, Safiya receives a call from a man she calls the Old Poet—the editor of the Jamaica Observer’s literary magazine. He loves her poems and would like to publish them. Additionally, he asks to meet soon. Safiya is thrilled.